It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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