Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
only if we run a train.
done.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
