cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
third nipple confirmed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
