she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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