just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
