He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
