if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
