please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
