It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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