I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
