Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
