Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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