Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
