Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
