in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
