it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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