if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
