what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
