I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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