Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize