this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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