Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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