yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
