Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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