I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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