wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
