Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
