We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
