you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
