If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
