We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
