i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
