She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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