thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
