Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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