i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
