Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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