My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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