I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
