the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
