i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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