Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
