Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
