I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
