I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize