he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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