i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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