Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
