I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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