bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
