i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There's even glitter on my cock...
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