i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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