Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
