You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
