sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
