I used to practice getting hit by cars.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
