two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
