we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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