Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
