i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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