He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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