i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
