He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
