Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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